whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
My circle of trust is a meatball
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.