Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.