Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
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I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I have a new favorite meme page
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”