Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
The pen is writier than the sword.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Perfect
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.