Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
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Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.