Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me sliding into hell like
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.