Smile Twitter, Smile.
You Might Also Like
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Just why bro?!
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.