“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
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Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*