Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?