Shower sex be like:
You Might Also Like
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on