Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.