the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.