I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You Might Also Like
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.