[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.