After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
get you a girl who
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!