I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
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I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.