“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.