*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.