I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
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Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
British websites use biscuits.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
the dark web is just a goth google.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Meow
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..