[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
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Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…