Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.