“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Well, that should do it
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane