A collection of me turning into random objects.
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
What an awful time to have common sense.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores