Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
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honestly, i need both:
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
What if all the cashiers are married?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.