I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
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Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
If a snake ate a cake
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.