[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
love pickles so much i put myself in one
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.