I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
#Thanos #MondayMood
what does he know…