You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
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In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Cashiers are always checking me out
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Proctology is located in A55
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
I have obtained a hat