WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
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Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Just got to our Airbnb!
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid