If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds