my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I missed you with all my darts
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*