If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
They’re the worst 😩
Jokes on them. I took 10.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.