Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Straight people are cancelled
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW