I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
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Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫