I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
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Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off