The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.