I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
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When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”