[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
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My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I don’t think my car can fly
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
dutch is not a serious language
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?