[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I cannot stop laughing at this
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.