The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
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My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.