As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I just tested negative for patience.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have