[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no