Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
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No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing