on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
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[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*