The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
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When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Maths meets science
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.