DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
This forever.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.