When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
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Cheers Twitter.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
What an awful time to have common sense.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.