Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
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unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
i baked you a cake
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too