If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
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That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
lmao
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.