Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.